Terrible Things
by OakPrincess
Summary: Allen had never, in his entire life, even hoped of encountering anything so perfect, so... lovely. Yet as he stared into those deep ocean eyes, and they stared back, he began to wonder if he could dare to dream for that beauty he had so sorely lacked to fill his life. He began to pray that Kanda would be his.


Chapter 1: The hem of his robes

The moment Allen first laid his eyes on Kanda was one of the best in his life. His pure beauty captivated him, tethering his gray lifeless eyes to his lucifurious figure. He was blinded.

His senses fled with the dance of obsidian hair. His blood ran cold as the blue of his eyes. His mind... he had no mind, save for the existence of that boy. A boy, he had never seen, a boy he'd never know. And for the first time in years, Allen wanted to cry. Cry for the sheer grace of the creature before him, and for the knowledge that that grace would never touch him.

Thinking back on it now he realized what a sad, pretentious, creature he was, that he, a deformed, marred, and unwanted boy could ever dream of even looking at something so perfect, so wonderful. And he knew now, that the majesty he saw that day was nothing... nothing compared to what Kanda truly was.

* * *

"Seriously Allen, how can you eat that much?" Lavi gawked, forgetting the bite of salad on his fork.

"It's not really that strange." He stated matter-of-factly as he continued to shove his lunch down his small throat.

"Yes, Allen. Yes it is."

"I don't see it."

Lavi sighed and fell back in his chair, dropping his fork on his plate. "Watching you eat makes me lose my appetite."

"It's not good to be easily manipulated, Lavi."

Lavi glared at him. "If I starve and die I'm going to leave a note saying it was your fault."

"Sucks to be you."  
Lavi shot back up. "Why? You're the one going to jail."

"You're the one who died. All because you chose not to eat when you were supposed to. And then you blamed it on someone else. Poor, poor, pitiful, weak, sad, Lavi."

Lavi groaned. "God, Allen... You can be really irritating at times."

Allen grinned. "I try to be."

Lavi grunted in response. "The hell you do."

Allen laughed, covering his mouth to prevent bits of food flying out. "Woah, watch it kid. You're gonna cover this place in the contents of your mouth."

Allen snorted, abruptly stopping his outburst. "You too Lavi."

"Huh?"

"You can be a little shit too."

Lavi smirked, eyes twinkling mischievously. "I try to be."

They stared at each other in silence, neither one blinking, neither one accepting defeat.

Allen was the first to tear away his gaze, preferring to focus on his food than Lavi's bright and aggravating green eyes. "You finishing that?" he asked, pointing to Lavi's salad.

Lavi looked down out his plate, which was still only half-eaten. " 'Course I am. No way in hell am I letting you touch it."

Allen rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He turned to his meal, and continued to toss various items in his mouth, not bothering to chew. Meanwhile Lavi slowly poked at his lettuce, taking what seemed to be, in Allen's opinion, an eternity. "So, Lavi."

"Yeah?"

"You're still in the basketball team right?"

Lavi raised his brows and took a sip from his juice box. "Of course I am, you dumbshit. What's this about?"

Allen stared out into space. "I'm wondering about playing a sport."

Lavi nearly spit out his juice. "What's with this development?"

"It's nothing really. I just thought that maybe I should be doing more with my body."

Lavi eyed him suspiciously. "Allen, answer me honestly. Are you gaining weight?"

Allen shot up out of his chair. "Of course not!"

"I don't know Allen, liars always make a big fuss about the things they're hiding."

Allen crossed his arms and sat down. "I'm not gaining weight. I really just thought I should join something. You and Kanda both have a sport. Hell, even Lenalee plays something. I just thought it was about time I did."

Lavi hummed, making the annoying calculating expression Allen loathed. "And so you wanted to play basketball?"

"Not necessarily, I was just looking for suggestions."

"Hmm... You're pretty good and hand to hand combat. Maybe boxing?"

"Nah, that would mess up my face."

Lavi smirked. "Wrestling?"

"What the hell Lavi? Do you think I'm some kind of brute?"

"Don't fool yourself by your small and _adorable_ appearance, on the inside you're a bear. A big momma bear just waiting to maul somebody."

" _God_ , Lavi. I don't know what to think about what you just said."

"I don't know, Allen." Lavi continued, ignoring Allen's statement. "How 'bout tennis?" He shook his head. "Baseball?"

"No way in hell."

"Volleyball?"

"Yeah, no."

"This is harder than helping Lenalee pick out her shoes... Never mind. I take that back. Nothing's worse than Lenalee and her shoes."

"That's for sure. Just don't let her hear that. She'd shove that shoe right up your ass."

Lavi shivered and brought a pointer finger to his lips. "Shhh! Allen! That girl hears everything! I don't know how she does it, but it's fuckin' scary as hell!"

Allen laughed. "Then you're in deep shit."

Lavi made a pitiful screaming sound. "Save me Allen!"

"You were going to frame me and send me to jail, remember?"

Lavi made a praying pose with his palms. "I'm so sorry moyashi, I won't ever plan to send you to jail again. So please protect me from the Lenalee demon."

"It's Allen. And I forgive you."

"Thank you so much!"

"But if you call me moyashi again I'm instantly reporting you."

"I won't. I promise."

"You better. You're life depends on it."

"Thank you so much. I won't, really."

Allen grinned, looking down at his watch. "Lavi, we'd better get to class. We've got five minutes."

His eyes widened in horror. "Seriously?! Shit! I didn't even finish my salad. This all your fault Allen. You distracted me."

Allen stood up calmly, eyeing Lavi. "Is that the way you should be addressing your savior?"

"I'm sorry, oh master."

"That's better. Now you'd better run along, or you'll be late."

Lavi nodded. "Yeah, but first, Allen."

"Yeah?"

"The reason you want to join, it's about Kanda isn't it?"

Heat rushed like a frieght train to his pale face, striking wildly with his snowy hair. "N-n-no! It's not!"

Lavi laughed warmly. "Man, Allen, and here I thought you were a good liar. When it comes to Kanda you're an open book with bold flashing neon letters."

Allen looked down, face still flushed. "God, it's that bad?! Can he tell?!"

Lavi snorted. "That kid's as dense as the ocean. You could hit him across the head and he'd still be clueless."

"So he doesn't know?"

"Not a clue in hell. But everybody else does."

"Really?!"  
"Allen, look at yourself, you're not exactly doing a fantastic job at hiding it."

Allen rubbed his face. "Man, I'm an idiot."

"Well, Allen," Lavi sat back down, and gestured for Allen to follow. "You really love him right?"

Allen was sure his face was the brightest shade of red on the planet. He couldn't move, or really do much other than stare at Lavi.

"I'm taking that as a yes. Look, moyashi," Allen was so embarrassed he didn't catch the nickname. "You could love him, and he could even love you back. But look at that guy! He doesn't know the first thing about romance. He probably wouldn't know it if it slapped him on his perfect face!"

"I don't like how you keep abusing him with your metaphors."

"That's what you hear? Whatever. Allen, you've got to make the first move. So what if it it kills you? You'd die facing your dream."

"I'd rather keep my head and keep staring at him."

"Allen, you do realize what you're admitting to, right?" Allen just looked at him. "Anyway, what I'm saying is go for it! You'll do fine I promise."

"What the hell Lavi? I can't do that! Have you ever confessed before? - Never mind, I'm not asking that question. It's already the scariest thing ever! But I'll be confessing to Kanda! Kanda Yuu of all people! I'll be dead before I know what hit me!"

"Minor technicalities."

"Mi - Minor- This is my life I'm talking about!"

"Exactly," Lavi stated, setting his head on his palm. "Kanda is you're life, isn't he?"

The explosion that erupted in Allen's head at that moment killed him, or at least should've. "Oh - oh my - I'm gonna die."

Lavi chuckled. "See, I told you."

The shrill ringing of a bell tore their attention from the conversation. Lavi's jaw dropped. "Holy... Shit! Bookman's gonna kill me! I'm so dead!"

Allen would've laughed had he not been so flabbergasted.

* * *

Allen didn't know much of what happened the rest of the school day, too distracted by Lavi's jovial voice ringing like church bells in his head. Lavi's words, Allen thought, did have some truth to them. If he ever wanted Kanda he'd need to make the first move, Kanda never would. And he did want him, he really, really, did.

To him Kanda was, well... Thinking about he realized he didn't exactly know what he was. But that stoic and beautiful boy somehow filled his damaged life with light. One look at him and he forgot his past, his deformities. Kanda was healing him - though he constantly threatened and insulted Allen. He wanted that light, more than anything.

But the truth was, even with his healing radiance, Allen was still just Allen. Allen the orphan, the abandoned, the deformed, and the ugly. He was unnatural. And to be with Kanda, who was so glorious, was but a silly dream. Allen could never do it. He was too impure. And Kanda deserved so much more.

But that night, as he laid in bed, unable to fall asleep, Allen thought deeply. Maybe Lavi was right, maybe it was worth a shot. His life wasn't worth anything anyway, and Kanda was his only dream. If he confessed... would Kanda be ashamed? Not likely, the man was never one for appearances, and he knew next to nothing about Allen's past.

A rush of courage filled him. Should he confess? Should he? If he failed and died, well it was just his life. And if Kanda accepted him... His mind ran on a million paths, crisscrossing and wandering. If he was with Kanda he was sure he could go anywhere, do anything. He'd be the happiest man on earth.

Allen bit his lip, clenching his tight fists. He'd do it. He was going to do it. Tomorrow after their field trip to the museum. He was going to it!  
A moment of silence over took his brain.

 _Holy hell!_ He screamed at himself. He was going to confess to the perfect Kanda Yuu! _Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!_ What the hell was he thinking? How could he do that?! Confess to Kanda! No way in hell! But he had to. What was the point of his life without Kanda? But he couldn't! But he had to! Damn! What the hell was a guy to do?!

Morning came suddenly, warm light seeping through thin curtains. Allen shifted his dry eyes to the window, cursing the day. All night, all night thinking about what to do only for the sun to rise with less answers than the night began with.

"Whatever," he spoke out loud. Maybe this was better for him.

Allen got it, he just wouldn't confess. Unless, of course, fate intervened and put him alone with Kanda. Then he would. Only then.

Allen sighed in relief, slipping out of his bed. He and Kanda weren't getting together. He knew that now. There was no way that he and Kanda would end up alone. Not on a fifty person field trip to an already popular art museum. Right?

* * *

Allen cursed his luck a thousand times over. Here he was, mind filled with thoughts of Kanda, and how wanted him, when he was tossed onto the bus and told to sit next to him. Fate, it seemed, either really loved him or really hated him. Right now he couldn't tell.

Said beauty was currently laying his head on the window, staring absentmindedly at the lush green. His thin, long, fingers were tapping to a beat from his headphones. And his hair - oh god, his hair!- draped seductively over his shoulders and caressed his perfect cheeks. Allen longed to reach out and touch it, feel its silky texture. He wanted to touch _him_ , take his perfect hands in his own. He _wanted_ Kanda, he _really_ wanted him.

Alas, the drive was far too short. They soon left the bus, Allen leaving before Kanda, looking back as the man stood up and patted his pants.

Fresh air filled his lungs and warmed his pulsating heart. Allen loved nature, and up here, in the secluded gardens of the museum, he felt so at home. Beaming he looked to his side where Kanda stood, taking off his headphones. His soft lips were turned slightly upwards in a rare smirk, though it was tiny, and Allen felt his breath leave him. He knew the boy loved nature, particularly flowers, but even with this knowledge nothing could prepare him for the exquisite splendor of the boy's smile.

Kanda turned his head, smile fading into an irritated frown, like the one he always wore. Allen though Kanda was stunning, even when scowling. "What are you staring at, moyashi?"

Allen's head whipped back to reality. "It's Allen, I just thought it was rare for you to smile."

Kanda tsked. "Well you look dumb, so stop."

Allen scowled, forgetting Kanda's allure. "Not as dumb as you do, BaKanda. You look like a girl, with your long hair, smiling at the flowers."

Kanda growled. "What did you say, you undersized shrimp?!"

"Wow, Kanda, I didn't think you were this much of an idiot." He grinned mockingly. "Undersized and shrimp mean the exact same thing. And you must be deaf too, since you didn't hear me when I spoke so clearly."

Tick marks appeared everywhere on Kanda's body. " _Moyashi,"_ he snarled. "You're so dead." He took a fighter stance and reached for his side to grab Mugen, only to remember that he had been forbidden to take it into the museum.

Allen laughed ferociously. He clutched at his stomach and pointed his finger at the boy. "What are you going to do now? You muscle-for-brains jerk!"

Kanda growled deeply. "I can beat you without Mugen." He changed his stance and taunted Allen. "Bring it on."

Allen was about to follow suit when he was hit over the head. "Ouch!" He exclaimed. "Who did that?"

"I did," Lenalee's voice sounded through his throbbing brain. Her voice was strained like it got when she was particularly irritated. "Guy's we're at a museum! Get a hold of yourselves!" Kanda dropped his stance, and looked away. Allen definitely heard him 'tsk' again.

"Sorry Lenalee," he said, rubbing his head. "I won't fight with him again."  
"Good," she folded her arms. "You better. Because you guys were fighting you missed the time to make a group. By default you two are now one. I'm going to leave with my friends." She turned around and waved as she left. "Have fun."

"The hell I'm being in this twerp's team!" Kanda shouted, pointing at Allen.

Allen's mind blanked. _What the hell?_ Him and Kanda on a team. Fate really had it out for him, didn't he.

"Come back here! Lenalee!" Kanda was clearly pissed. Irate, he turned towards the stunned Allen. "Fine then. Moyashi, you mess with me and you're gonna end up as Timacampy's next meal."

"You'd feed me to my cat?!"

Kanda smirked, irking him, and took off in the direction of the entrance doors. Allen moaned in frustration, but followed.

Suddenly, as they entered the strangely empty building, Allen realized what exactly was happening. Here he was on a team of two with Kanda, looking at art -on of the boy's favorite things- and they were _alone._ At least mostly, there were still a few people off in the distance, but they didn't matter. His heart pulsated rapidly, pumping his ears with blood. This was almost like a date...

Allen tried to ignore the spectacular asian, but couldn't help stare at his back. He was so slender, far more so than he had previously realized, just a little larger than himself - and he was a twig. But he knew that underneath those clothes was as incredibly toned body. Despite his ethereal splendor Kanda was the strongest person he knew, or even heard of for that matter. The boy was a monster. But not once had he seen the boy boast, or abuse his strength - though he seemed to at first glance- in fact, he didn't even know the extent of Kanda's prowess. The boy was _amazing_.

Allen's nose collided with something hard, and by the irritated growl that irrupted soon after he assumed it was the boy of subject's back. "Sorry." He mumbled. A faint blush painting his cheeks.

Allen couldn't see it but he was sure the boy rolled his eyes at him. "Watch where you're going, moyashi."

"It's Allen." He stepped back and around the boy, wondering what made him stop.

It was a painting of a pond. The piece was beautiful, delicate brush strokes for each ripple of the water and feather on the ducks that swam in it. But the most stunning part -which was what he was sure Kanda was staring at- were pink, tender, flowers that sprouted fantastically from the blue.

He had asked him once, what those flowers were, surprisingly Kanda had answered him, voice laced with poignancy. He said it was the lotus.

Allen didn't know what the flower meant to him, he felt like he shouldn't ask, but he knew it must be important. Why else would he stare at them so. But strangely, he never seemed happy when he saw them, though it did soften his 'always-angry' expression, replacing it with a hidden sorrow. Though Allen never wanted to see him unhappy, he loved the face that Kanda made when he looked at those petals of soft pink, and he hated himself for that.

They observed the piece of art for what seemed to hours, -after checking his watch he realized it was only fifteen minutes. Which, honestly speaking, was still a fair amount of time- when Kanda sighed softly, and spoke, "Let's go moyashi, I'm sure you're bored out of your mind."

Allen stood up from the soft couch he was sitting on. "No, I'm fine. We can stay longer if you'd like."

He shook his head. "I don't really care. There's a lot more in this museum than a painting of lotus's"

"But you like it, don't you?"  
"Since when did you care about what I liked and didn't like, moyashi?"

Allen's words caught in his throat. He'd cared for a long, long time, since the moment he first met him. "Whatever, we can't always bicker about stupid stuff."

Kanda grunted. "Then let's just go."

They wandered from place to place, marveling together about the stunning art. They spent most of their time in the oil painting and sketching galleries, Kanda's area of expertise, and were frequently astonished by what a person could create. Especially Allen, who didn't do much art, nor was he particularly good at it.

But what surprised Allen most was something he noticed after their trip was nearly over and they were making their way from the museum.

Not only had they kept their word and not fought, but they had actually enjoyed each other's company. Not in the way Allen always loved being with Kanda, but they'd had fun together. They'd laughed - well mostly Allen, Kanda really just made amused snorts- and shared jokes and observations. It felt so natural to do it, like it was something they'd always done, thought they haddn't.

As they stepped down the stairs of the museum he realized that they were completely alone, not a soul in sight, and suddenly his promise from the morning rushed back to his head. He had to do it.

He took a hasty leap of courage and ran to Kanda's front. His heart was beating so loudly he wasn't sure he'd be able to hear himself speak. His cheeks felt like fire, and his throat went dry.

Kanda stared curiously at Allen, and he was pleased to notice that there was no trace of irritation on the immaculate face. This was his chance. He'd been born for this moment.

"Kanda," god, his voice was quivering like a newborn baby. "I- I- I lou..."

He screamed at himself in his mind. Why couldn't he just say it and get it over with?!

"Spill it, moyashi."  
"I- I think I might like you." _Gahhhh!_ What was that abomination?!

"Huh?" Kanda asked, genuinely confused and slightly irked.

"Kanda," he tried again, gathering what little courage he had left. "Kanda, I love you, and I want - I want to go out with you."

He stared at Allen for a moment before his eyes suddenly went wide and his cheeks turned about as red as Allen thought his were. "Mo- Moyashi! Don't fuck with me!"

"I'm serious Kanda. Will you go out with me?"

The deafening silence nearly killed Allen, his heart never calmed it's rapid beating, and he was prepared at any moment for Kanda's fist to slam into his face or gut. And that'd be the end. He certain he was going to die.

"Okay," Kanda whispered, nearly inaudible. Allen thought he must have misheard him.

"What?"  
Kanda looked him straight in the eyes, the blush on his face and all astonishment gone, but he wasn't angry like he expected either. "I'll go out with you, Allen Walker."

His eyes grew wider than Cross's house. "You'll what?"

"I accept."

Alle started to black out. What, was the world coming to an end? This was impossible. He was definitely still dreaming.

Kanda looked at his hand for second before stretching it out towards him. "Here, lovers do this, right?"  
Allen's face gave up on being a face, resembling more a blanched tomato. "Ka- Ka -Kanda! Are you sure you want to?!"

"The hell are you asking, you're the one who said you wanted to be my boyfriend."

 _B- bo- boyfriend?!_ What was up with this development?! Yup, this was a dream. Just a really, really, really good dream.

Kanda shook his hand, gesturing for Allen to take it, which he slowly, extremely slowly reached for. Eventually Kanda gave up and seized it. He then dragged a stunned Allen down the stairs and to the bus.

The world faded into white, leaving only him and Kanda. He couldn't process anything anymore. It was just like the first time he saw him. He was the only thing in Allen's mind, in his own perfect world.

Somehow his heart began to steady, and a small smile formed on his thin lips. Being with Kanda was just so right, so natural. Allen knew then that his hand was made to hold his. They were made for each other.

He'd finally reached it, even if it was only the touch of a hand. He'd felt it. His grace. His heart laughed.

Now, he could have happiness. He could be healed.


End file.
